With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.
[Scene: Cam Newton turns on the TV in his apartment. He is visibly distraught. This is not what he wanted when he came to the SEC. He wanted justice and order. Not anarchy and chaos. The date on the local news channel says October 9, 2010. The newscaster warned the viewers of what they were about to see.]
Rece Davis: Viewers please be aware, the image is disturbing.
[The TV cuts to shaky footage of a warehouse. Sitting tied to a chair is a man. He's dressed like the Caped Crusader, but it isn't him. His orange and blue is cheaper. The man's only run in(s) with the genuine article exposed him for what he truly was--an impostor. But he didn't deserve this. From behind the camera, the demented voice speaks.]
Joker: What's your name?
Hostage: Ur.... Urban Meyer.
Joker: Are you the real Batman?
Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?
Urban: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.... Besides, I'm not dressed just like him. I'm wearing a lighter, royal blue, and plus look at the jorts.....
Joker: Yeah, but you do have to be afraid of me, Urban, you really do. So you think Cam Newton's made the SEC a better place? Look at my hat..... LOOK AT MY HAT!
[The camera turns around to show it's holder. The Joker is a sickening figure. A clown, but the most terrifying kind. The kind from Louisiana.]
Joker: You see this is how crazy Cam Newton's made the SEC. You want order in the SEC. Cam Newton must take off his helmet, and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, I'll call a fake field goal. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word. HEHEHAHA!!
STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!