With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.
[Scene: Everyone has been evacuated. Only one patient remains in his room. The most high profile patient is also the most grotesque. The hideously disfigured man had refused treatment, his body left scarred and charred from the flames and off-season attrition. The nurse checked the charts, mysteriously unconcerned about the chaos that moments before had enveloped the building. The nurse turns to look at the patient. It is the Joker. He takes off his mask and sits beside the patient.]
[The patient struggles to get at him, but his restraints keep him at bay]
Joker: You know, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us. When that pass interference flag was thrown, I was sitting on the sideline. I didn't make that call.
Derek Dooley: Your deal with the devil. Your plan.
Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just do things. Steve Spurrier has plans, Urban Meyer has plans, Auburn's got plans, you know. They're schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I'm not. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that that 4th and 14 was nothing personal, you know that I'm telling the truth.
[The Joker loosens Dooley's restraints]
Joker: You see, it's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans to coach an SEC team, and uh, look where that got you.
[As the Joker unfastens the restraints, Dooley lunges at him, but the Joker overpowers Dooley, weakened by the aftermath of Lane Kiffin]
Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and turned it on itself. Look what I did to this conference with a retarded offense and a goofy hat. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even when the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, South Carolina will start Steven Garcia at quarterback, or Auburn will give up 43 points on defense to an SEC opponent, nobody panics. Because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that we're going for one, little old touchdown pass down one with eight second remaining, then everyone loses their minds!
[The Joker pulls out a gun, places it in Dooleys hand, points it to his own head; calls for a substitution]
Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order...
[Players run on and off the field like a Chinese fire drill]
Joker: ...and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh and you know the thing about chaos... it's fair.
[Dooley stares at the Joker for a moment, pulls out a coin, then calls for his own substitution]
Dooley: Heads you live, tails you die.
Joker: Now we're talking!
[Dooley flips the coin in the air]
STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!