Did this Look Fairley Familiar to Anyone Else?

Wrap up!

The Joker Part II:

With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.

[Scene: Cam Newton turns on the TV in his apartment. He is visibly distraught. This is not what he wanted when he came to the SEC. He wanted justice and order. Not anarchy and chaos. The date on the local news channel says October 9, 2010. The newscaster warned the viewers of what they were about to see.]

Rece Davis: Viewers please be aware, the image is disturbing.

[The TV cuts to shaky footage of a warehouse. Sitting tied to a chair is a man. He's dressed like the Caped Crusader, but it isn't him. His orange and blue is cheaper. The man's only run in(s) with the genuine article exposed him for what he truly was--an impostor. But he didn't deserve this. From behind the camera, the demented voice speaks.]

Joker: What's your name?

Hostage: Ur.... Urban Meyer.

Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Urban: N..N..no...

Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?

Urban: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.... Besides, I'm not dressed just like him. I'm wearing a lighter, royal blue, and plus look at the jorts.....

Joker: Yeah, but you do have to be afraid of me, Urban, you really do. So you think Cam Newton's made the SEC a better place? Look at my hat..... LOOK AT MY HAT!

[The camera turns around to show it's holder. The Joker is a sickening figure. A clown, but the most terrifying kind. The kind from Louisiana.]

Joker: You see this is how crazy Cam Newton's made the SEC. You want order in the SEC. Cam Newton must take off his helmet, and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, I'll call a fake field goal. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word. HEHEHAHA!!

STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!

The Joker Part I: Agent of Chaos

With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.

[Scene: Everyone has been evacuated. Only one patient remains in his room. The most high profile patient is also the most grotesque. The hideously disfigured man had refused treatment, his body left scarred and charred from the flames and off-season attrition. The nurse checked the charts, mysteriously unconcerned about the chaos that moments before had enveloped the building. The nurse turns to look at the patient. It is the Joker. He takes off his mask and sits beside the patient.]

Joker: Hi.

[The patient struggles to get at him, but his restraints keep him at bay]

Joker: You know, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us. When that pass interference flag was thrown, I was sitting on the sideline. I didn't make that call.

Derek Dooley: Your deal with the devil. Your plan.

Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just do things. Steve Spurrier has plans, Urban Meyer has plans, Auburn's got plans, you know. They're schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I'm not. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that that 4th and 14 was nothing personal, you know that I'm telling the truth.

[The Joker loosens Dooley's restraints]

Joker: You see, it's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans to coach an SEC team, and uh, look where that got you.

[As the Joker unfastens the restraints, Dooley lunges at him, but the Joker overpowers Dooley, weakened by the aftermath of Lane Kiffin]

Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and turned it on itself. Look what I did to this conference with a retarded offense and a goofy hat. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even when the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, South Carolina will start Steven Garcia at quarterback, or Auburn will give up 43 points on defense to an SEC opponent, nobody panics. Because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that we're going for one, little old touchdown pass down one with eight second remaining, then everyone loses their minds!

[The Joker pulls out a gun, places it in Dooleys hand, points it to his own head; calls for a substitution]

Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order...

[Players run on and off the field like a Chinese fire drill]

Joker: ...and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh and you know the thing about chaos... it's fair.

[Dooley stares at the Joker for a moment, pulls out a coin, then calls for his own substitution]

Dooley: Heads you live, tails you die.

Joker: Now we're talking!

[Dooley flips the coin in the air]

STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!

Is this the most exciting, nerve wracking season Auburn's ever had?

Did the little piggie cry wee wee wee all the way home?

Somewhat related anecdote. I sat with the family for the game on Saturday and the following exchange happened some time early in the 4th quarter as the game was approaching EA Sports levels of scoring and back and forth momentum swings:

ME: I guess I should have known I was in for this kind of craziness when I signed up to be an Auburn fan.

MOM: Signed up? Honey, you were drafted.

Point well taken, Mom. Point well taken.

Section 25 Unleashes the Good Juju

All the talk this week has been "look out for the Arkansas curse!" Everyone has mentioned the 2001, 2002, and 2006 seasons where the Arkansas loss kept the Tigers from going to Atlanta, and a few people have even pulled out the 1995 loss. In all of these games, Auburn was a heavy favorite, and in all of these games, Auburn laid an egg. The fear is that the curse has always been the rule and never the exception, and here we are in 2010, staring down the inevitable letdown that always comes against the Hogs.

But we here in Section 25 are sick to death of all the doom and gloom and nay saying. We're sick of people saying that a favored Auburn team is incapable of beating an Arkansas team. To those people, we would like to present the following for your consideration:

That was the first drive of the game. Auburn scored on its next four. It was never really close after that.

Obviously this team of Piggies isn't the same one that went 5-6 in 2004, and we're obviously not some big favorite in this game. The point is, the "Hog Hex" is beatable. This game isn't going to come down to whatever happened four, eight, nine, or fifteen years ago. This is going to come down to whoever is more prepared for this game, and who executes their gameplan. The so-called hex was debunked in 2004, and it has to be debunked again sometime; why not tomorrow?

Auburn/ SEC Mid-Season Thoughts

Say WHAAAT?

• The Good News: There isn't a team on the planet outside of the NFL that Auburn couldn't beat.
• The Bad News: There isn't a team in the SEC outside of Vanderbilt that couldn't beat Auburn.
• The Good News: It's up to Auburn which of the above things happens. Pre-season, there was a lot of talk comparing this team to the 2004 team. Incredibly talented offense, stubborn defense, and essentially abusing every team they played. With half of this season gone, I have to disagree, but don't worry Auburn fans, my conclusion is just as good. This team reminds me more of the 1993 Auburn team to this point in the season. Sufficiently talented, but inconsistent. The difference between the 1993 team and the 2004 team (other than probation) was that the 2004 team won by overpowering teams on offense and playing shut down D. The 1993 team won by..... well however they could. Close wins against Ole Miss and Vandy, but big wins against highly ranked Florida and defending champs Alabama. This Auburn team wins, and that mindset is what's going to keep the bad news above from happening. The toughest part of our schedule is ahead of us and anything could happen in these next six games, but this team has given us no reason to believe it can't be something special.
• Oh No! There Goes Tokyo! It is becoming more and more clear that Cam Newton is in fact a prehistoric creature who rose from the sea to wreak havoc on the SEC. Cam for Heisman is no longer a pipe dream, it's a very real possibility. If he continues to play the way he has since the second half of the Clemson game, Auburn always has a chance to win. There really is no answer for Cam when he's on his game. Cam dares you to drop back into coverage. Don't think for a moment this won't happen. He also dares you to put eight men in the box.

Don't think for a moment that this won't happen.

• Defense: Eh. Need some improvement gentlemen. I'm going to throw out a theory about our pass defense and y'all feel free to rip it to pieces down in the comments section. Of course the coverage leaves something to be desired. But am I the only one who can read our blitzes like a book? Like a children's book? And I know if I can read it, then people who coach and play football for a living/scholarship can read it. Sure enough, whenever we show blitz, I call it, the quarterback audibles, we blitz the same hole we showed blitz, and the o-line picks it up. It just doesn't seem to be working quite right. But you know, that's just, like, my opinion, man.
• Bama: Hooray for Brahsome Garcia and all, but this really doesn't change a darn thing for us. We still can't afford to lose one game if we want to make it to Atlanta. Still though, hooray.
• The Mad Hatter: His existence terrifies me. The man clearly sold his soul to the devil, then double-crossed the devil and instead sold his soul for a lifetime supply of G.I. Joe sized hats. That, people, takes balls. But not as much as he's shown over the last two weeks. The clock management disaster turned miracle had Tennessee fans dancing in the streets (and even making a scene in front of Hamilton's in Auburn) before having their world crushed a minute later. I'm certainly no Tennessee fan but that was sad to watch, if only because we as Auburn fans have been there before. Then there was the botched fake field goal turned successful fake field goal by inches. If Arkansas is the one team most likely to beat us straight up before Alabama, then LSU is the team I'm most scared will fall ass-backward into beating us.
• Speaking of Tennessee and Florida: The SEC East is just a different kind of down this year. The West has three teams in the top 10 and four in the top 12. That's just scary. I always felt that Auburn is traditionally an East team, but this is one of the first times I really wished we were there.

That's all I've got for now, but stay tuned around here, there's going to be plenty of excitement for the next few weeks!

War Damn Eagle!