Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Imaginary Interview: Antonio Coleman

"The power! I feel the power!"

SECTION 25: Welcome to another installment of Section 25's series of interviews; informative, fascinating, interesting, fictional, non-existent, imaginary interviews.

Today, we have the pleasure of meeting with Auburn's Senior DE Antonio Coleman. Antonio is second-team pre-season All-SEC, and a noted scholar in areas that are generally reserved for totalitarian dictators. Hi Antonio, good to have you with us today.

ANTONIO COLEMAN: Good evening.

S25: I know you've got a lot on your plate, so we won't take too long. I know you've got to be in Birmingham at SEC Media Days soon. Are you excited about going?

AC: Excited? No. I do not permit myself to become excited. Such emotions jeopardize my abilities to make the cold, calculated decisions that are necessary to destroy my enemies.

S25: Wow, you really do take your job seriously. But I could swear I've seen you celebrating and displaying emotion on the field. How do you explain this:

AC: Chris! Your naivety amuses me. That so-called "emotion" was nothing more than a calculated display of bravado. It is merely a gesture to make known the extent of my abilities. To remind my enemies that I will be victorious. This instills a certain fear into their hearts which is beneficial to my ends.

S25: OK. Is it just me or did some of the happiness just leave the room? Anyway, Auburn is preparing to play against one of the tougher schedules in the nation. Being a senior, you've seen a lot of the tougher venues this conference has to offer. How are you preparing to deal with some of the more intense environments in college football including Neyland, Sanford, and Tiger Stadium?

AC: I have no fear of playing on my enemies' grounds. Allow me to illustrate. Few people know the true reason Auburn did not attend a bowl game this past year. I had become bored with football and sought new enemies. Therefore I decided that I must test my mettle against a new foe, but with a bowl on the schedule, I had not the time. Thus, through cunning means, I arranged the self-destruction of the football team. I then single-handedly started, fought, and won a ground war in Russia... in January.

So no, I do not fear these battlegrounds. In fact, "Death Valley" seems a pleasant place for a vacation. I must look into it.

S25: Well, I certainly feel much better about the outcome of last season now, although I would have thought I'd have heard something about that Russia thing in the news. When we spoke to Mario, he said he really liked playing for the new coaching staff. He seems to have taken the transition very well. How have you handled the transition, and do you enjoy playing under Coach Chizik?

AC: I am disappointed in you, Chris. I would have thought you had learned by now that not only have I handled this transition well, I also, shall we say, helped Mr. Jacobs along in his decision. You are not a quick learner. Perhaps I am treating you too softly and should teach you with a firmer hand in the future?

S25: Uh, no no. Of course not. So you do like Coach Chizik then?

AC: Coach Chizik has proven to be useful to me. But surely by now you've guessed my plan! Surely the genius of it is obvious to you! Coach Chizik will be around long enough to ensure that I am in the right position. And then, when the time is right, his position shall be MINE! BWAHAHAHA!

S25: Well, there you have it, folks! Antonio Coleman's quest for power knows no bounds. It appears he will not stop until he has the Auburn Football team under his command. If that ever happens, God help us. God help us all.
Join us next time for a joint interview with Kodi Burns and Neil Caudle.

1 comment:

  1. Damn that Antonio and his unending thirst for power.