NCAA to pass "Auburn Rule" Part II

The NCAA released a statement today regarding recruiting practices.* This new rule will affect Auburn in particular, and has been passed as an addendum to the so-called "Auburn Rule" that passed earlier this week. This is the new rule as reported by the NCAA:

No school shall knowingly allow any coaches to attend a high school during any
recruiting period wearing a backwards hat, or carrying a towel. In
addition, no coach will appear at any school under the influence of heavy drugs such as caffiene consumed in the form of large amounts of coffee.

In its press release, NCAA President Mark Emmert had this to say regarding the new rule: "The blatant disregard for proper hatwear that some universities has shown is unacceptable. The NCAA stands for certain things, and wearing a hat backwards is simply not representitive of those things. Also, everyone needs to know the proper use of towels, and waving them around is not one of them. The NCAA has hired a new spokesperson to promote proper towel usage: As far as the new drug rule is concerned, the NCAA has always taken a strong stance against drug use, and coffee is a very dangerous epidemic that threatens the integrity of our sport."

When reached for comment, Trooper Taylor, who is believed to be the basis for the first section of the new rule had this to say, "I was just trying to get my Ford Prefect on. I didn't think I was hurting anyone."

Gus Malzahn, offensive coordinator and noted supporter of NORCL (National Organization for the Reform of Coffee Laws) was unavailable for comment, but sources within Auburn's Athletic Department said that, upon hearing the new rule, he was heard to say, "SCREWTHISIVEALREADYWASTEDSEVENSECONDSONTHISCRAPTHATICOULDHAVESPENDGETTINGOURTEMPOFASTERWHERESMYPLAYBOOKIMGOINGTOMAKEANEWPLAYWHERETHEWATERBOYLINESUPATQUARTERBACKANDTHECENTERLINESUPASARUNNINGBACKANDI'MGOINGTOCALLITF*&%#YOUNCAA."

*Hooray for parody!