Joy

Pure, unadulterated, magnificent joy.

T-19 Hours

Do what we do, for 60 minutes and change, and no speed or tempo can stop this from ending up in our hands.

Section 25 Wishes You and Yours a Very Hateful Hate Week!

[WARNING: Youtube video is deliberately NSFW]:

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my Bammer friends at some point in the past on this blog. Yeah, I have some. It's true. Get raised in Birmingham like me and it's going to happen in spite of your best efforts. Despite their crimson shortcomings, they've proven to be great friends and some of the finest people I know.

Jay Coulter mentioned on Track 'Em last night the unique aspect of this rivalry; the passion and the proximity. Jay pointed out the fact that unlike many rivalries in college football, this is one of the few competitive in-state rivalries. Unlike Michigan-Ohio St. or Texas-Oklahoma, "we work together, live next to each other, and even marry into one another's families." Jay's conclusion here is that this proximity produces an impassioned, but ultimately friendly relationship between Auburn and Alabama fans.

With all due respect to Mr. Coulter (and much is due), that's dead wrong.

Sure, pair any given Auburn fan with any given Alabama fan, and odds are they'll have lots in common and get along just fine. But AUBURN and ALABAMA? They're as far apart as the east is from the west, and the moment those two people put on their college-football-fan hats, those two will be at each other's throats faster than you can say "neutral site". And in this state, we wear our college-football-fan hats an awful lot.

Auburn and Alabama are black and white. They're dogs and cats. It's democracy vs. communism. The two Universities may be similar today, but there's a fundamental difference that permeates through the two fan bases. Don't tell the Alabama fan that the old "cow college vs. 'The Univuhsity'" aspect is gone from this rivalry. And don't tell the Auburn fan that the old undeserved Bammer arrogance isn't there. Certainly don't tell me that--I've seen it and felt it stronger over the past year than possibly at any time in my life. There's genuine animosity there that is palpable, especially this week, and it's founded in much more than football.

This rivalry is about the establishment against the usurper. This rivalry is about the media darling against the stubborn, eternal underdog. This rivalry is about the might and the weight of the Alabama machine against the spirit and the will of the Auburn people. Look no further than this season's two teams to see the fundamental differences in the two sides.

One side went out and found the most popular name to coach and threw the most money at him to entice him to come. One side searched for a diamond in the rough, an unlikely winner hired more for his attitude than his public appeal, or even his track record. One staff is populated by yes men shrinking in the shadow of their great leader. One staff is filled with innovators; men whose collective presence dwarfs that of the one ultimately responsible for their success. One team was anointed champions in August, and later deemed "the only one loss team that could still win it all." One team fought and scratched and clawed its way up the polls, doing whatever it took to win for 11 weeks and throughout colossal distraction, only to be counted out by the so-called experts now.

Both sides will acknowledge these things. And both sides will say their side is in the right. Not that "that's our opinion but you're entitled to your own" but that their side is right. Auburn will tell Alabama that their hubris to think they are strong enough to buy greatness will be their downfall, and that they are foolish to dismiss the unbreakable spirit of the Auburn people, which no amount of money or "trudishun" can quell. Alabama will tell Auburn that they are jealous that they can't be the Univuhsity, that they threw the money at Saban because they are the school of the Bear and that they've earned the right for the best that money can buy, and that the spirit of the Auburn family is simply a false intangible that will ultimately fall to the strength of the Alabama machine.

And that is why we hate them. It's the arrogance, the entitlement. The fact that they simultaneously take pride in their dictum that they have an in state opponent that they work 365 days a year to defeat, all the while claiming Auburn fans have an unhealthy obsession with the great Bamuh. It's the car flags. The damn car flags. The ones that scream I'm better than you because of my football team. My football team from a college I probably didn't even attend.

On Saturday, I will probably meet with my Alabama friends. I will most likely share a beer with them. I will talk with them and laugh with them. But when the conversation turns to football, whether we won or lost, they will be the enemy. I will detest their arrogance. I will hate.

So, to all of the individuals out there who proclaim themselves to be Alabama fans, I say good luck. May the best man win....

But to the "Bama Nation" I have only one thing to say:

Happy Hate Week everyone.

War Damn Eagle

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

It's like the Titanic except it's full of "rumors and innuendo!"

Did this Look Fairley Familiar to Anyone Else?

Wrap up!

The Joker Part II:

With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.

[Scene: Cam Newton turns on the TV in his apartment. He is visibly distraught. This is not what he wanted when he came to the SEC. He wanted justice and order. Not anarchy and chaos. The date on the local news channel says October 9, 2010. The newscaster warned the viewers of what they were about to see.]

Rece Davis: Viewers please be aware, the image is disturbing.

[The TV cuts to shaky footage of a warehouse. Sitting tied to a chair is a man. He's dressed like the Caped Crusader, but it isn't him. His orange and blue is cheaper. The man's only run in(s) with the genuine article exposed him for what he truly was--an impostor. But he didn't deserve this. From behind the camera, the demented voice speaks.]

Joker: What's your name?

Hostage: Ur.... Urban Meyer.

Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Urban: N..N..no...

Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?

Urban: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.... Besides, I'm not dressed just like him. I'm wearing a lighter, royal blue, and plus look at the jorts.....

Joker: Yeah, but you do have to be afraid of me, Urban, you really do. So you think Cam Newton's made the SEC a better place? Look at my hat..... LOOK AT MY HAT!

[The camera turns around to show it's holder. The Joker is a sickening figure. A clown, but the most terrifying kind. The kind from Louisiana.]

Joker: You see this is how crazy Cam Newton's made the SEC. You want order in the SEC. Cam Newton must take off his helmet, and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, I'll call a fake field goal. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word. HEHEHAHA!!

STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!

The Joker Part I: Agent of Chaos

With all due respect to Mr. Phillips in Lexington, there is only one coach in this league batsh!t crazy enough to be called The Joker.

[Scene: Everyone has been evacuated. Only one patient remains in his room. The most high profile patient is also the most grotesque. The hideously disfigured man had refused treatment, his body left scarred and charred from the flames and off-season attrition. The nurse checked the charts, mysteriously unconcerned about the chaos that moments before had enveloped the building. The nurse turns to look at the patient. It is the Joker. He takes off his mask and sits beside the patient.]

Joker: Hi.

[The patient struggles to get at him, but his restraints keep him at bay]

Joker: You know, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us. When that pass interference flag was thrown, I was sitting on the sideline. I didn't make that call.

Derek Dooley: Your deal with the devil. Your plan.

Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just do things. Steve Spurrier has plans, Urban Meyer has plans, Auburn's got plans, you know. They're schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I'm not. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that that 4th and 14 was nothing personal, you know that I'm telling the truth.

[The Joker loosens Dooley's restraints]

Joker: You see, it's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans to coach an SEC team, and uh, look where that got you.

[As the Joker unfastens the restraints, Dooley lunges at him, but the Joker overpowers Dooley, weakened by the aftermath of Lane Kiffin]

Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and turned it on itself. Look what I did to this conference with a retarded offense and a goofy hat. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even when the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, South Carolina will start Steven Garcia at quarterback, or Auburn will give up 43 points on defense to an SEC opponent, nobody panics. Because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that we're going for one, little old touchdown pass down one with eight second remaining, then everyone loses their minds!

[The Joker pulls out a gun, places it in Dooleys hand, points it to his own head; calls for a substitution]

Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order...

[Players run on and off the field like a Chinese fire drill]

Joker: ...and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh and you know the thing about chaos... it's fair.

[Dooley stares at the Joker for a moment, pulls out a coin, then calls for his own substitution]

Dooley: Heads you live, tails you die.

Joker: Now we're talking!

[Dooley flips the coin in the air]

STAY TUNED FOR PART II ON FRIDAY: SAME BATSH!T CRAZY TIME, SAME BATSH!T CRAZY CHANNEL!